My 2009 in Facebook Statuses

So there was this app on Facebook that would collect all of your statuses for 2009 and make an art out of them. I did it (it only used about 20), but here's the whole year.

Remember to read "Zac Dillon" before each line. Try and guess the one that was hacked on my computer. A hint is, it doesn't fit my usual grammatical style.

January
just signed onto MySpace for the first time in months and months. He signed off after about 45 seconds

has seen this Nostradamus expert on a different History Channel show before.

absolutely hates people on Yelp who, when reviewing Italian food, feel the need to mention that they're "from New York."

is going to learn tonight

is worried that the mom sounds bitchy

needs to gamble and win

is thinking about beaches and mountain mornings

is stoked for February Eve

is tired of being guilt-tripped by NPR. Leave me alone, I'm poor. Just read me the news

February

looks like Daniel Faraday today. He could be your constant, if you'd like.

probably should have taken that glass out of his foot on Saturday

is tired of getting fucked by mother fuckers and may just have to become a vigilante, Dark Knight-style

is wondering why he ordered so many Girl Scout Cookies

is suddenly emotionally invested in the characters of "Six Feet Under."

March

has gotten rid of the mountain-man look

is surprised it took FDSF 20 minutes to get here and only 10 seconds to turn off the alarm

is enjoying the 1920s. Despite the lack of alcohol and all these women voting

Limp Bizkit was popular less than 10 years ago. I mean like, REALLY popular.

reminds you that Limp Bizkit was popular less than 10 years ago. Like, REALLY popular.

is listening to U2 coincidentally.

actually does have a roll of quarters in his pocket, but he's not UN-happy to see you

is mentally checked out.

is packed

is on vacation

found out yesterday that in the 90s, his parents feared he'd grow up to be a republican.

April

blogs.

is stoked for some roller coaster action soon.

Goodbye F-22 Though I never knew you at all You had the grace to hold yourself While those around you crawled

is remembering that Advil, Tylenol etc. don't work

has rediscovered exploration (through exploration).

found out the hard way that he's allergic to snails this weekend. But he finally got to try escargot.

really wants a Dyson Ball... though he still wouldn't vacuum.

is excited for beer, golf and beach: everything a good weekend should be.

agrees with Neil Young, a man needs a maid

would like to work for Gavin. As his anything, basically.

likes that he recognized the woman in the Miracle Grow commercial as the woman from the KY commercial.

shouldn't read "World War Z" when there's a viral scare going on.

May

has returned his face to normal

is stoked that his boss isn't here today because there's really no way that he could have done less of that budget report that was due on Friday

is counting down to vegas pretty hard core at this point.

is in love with the way May is shaking out

just impulse-bought a ratchet set at the hardware store and in so doing, officially became his father.

is thinking that breathing is the opposite of calculus. It's easy to do, and you do it every day, all day.

is tired of working in what sounds like a crowded elevator

doesn't understand the hows and the whys, the 80s or the 10s.

doesn't own a record player, but just bought an LP. This is EXACTLY the kind of thing he just chastised himself about.

is loving 103.7 right now. 10,000 songs, no commercials "the soundtrack of my life." It's amazing.

is missing his bed. It was so nice this morning.

June

is procrastinating like an f-ing CHAMP!

won trivia night last night. Go (small) team.

is near the end of one of the longest weeks.

knows time goes by so slowly and time can do so much.

is eating a lunch consisting of the half sandwich Narges left in his fridge and the leftover Mexican food Andy left in his back seat. Does that make him a hobo?

is wondering why he still thinks he may someday like Bjork.

felt like the guy at the end of "2001" this morning, wandering around the hallways in his pajamas... alone.

hopes you know someone who wants to rent out a furnished room in San Francisco for July.

might go to see Wallpaper tonight, or he might drink a bottle of wine and watch "The Wire" on his couch. It's hard to say for sure.

is looking at a fun-filled non vacation week starting tomorrow with a steak the size of a... well, a cow.

just got attitude from someone running a focus group.

is filing advertising agreements for Q1 2010 (the year we make contact), and he's happy for a return to saying 'twenty-ten' just like the good old nineteen-nineties.

is going to Sonic for dinner for the first time.

is happily drunk from all the drinking.

is fucking excited.

is a pro at watching tv

is going to write a book and call it "Crying in Argentina."

is now aware that the button fly on the pants he's wearing has but one button; the top one.

hopes recent celebrity news out of L.A. doesn't distract the American media and public from the potential world-changing events in Iran for too long. Sad yes, but an inevitable part of life.

has lamb burger on his mind. Also housemade duck prosciutto.

is noticing that pride is loud

is giving up on "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" after 60 pages because, in the end, it's still pretty much just Jane Austen.

July

is already really irritated with today

is singin' Kanye this morning. But just to himself, so it's ok.

suffered his first defeat last night and actually lost sleep over it... like a geek.

is at the Pizza Hut.

bought a bottle of wine today and will probably drink it tonight.

is sighing at San Francisco

can't wait for this time Friday

likes his dentist

is singing, "I'm at the In-n-Out..."

should have just bought that damn TV

has less than a year left according to Margaret Thacher who said, "A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure. "

is into Alan Rickman as Snape. Like a lot.

still can't find his "Trainspotting" DVD.

needs for whoever has the voodoo doll of him to stop putting pins in his wallet

just saw that Sam Rockwell is in the original TMNT movie. And I didn't think it could be any better.

may have a new motto: wine for nights in, beer for nights out.

is stoked for trivia night. Andrew needs a win!

is ready for July to slag off

's computer has no memory of him or the things they've done together. It's as sad as that scene in Wall-E when Wall-E doesn't recognize Eve or any of his junk.

August

made an espresso that is far too weak. If I wanted coffee, I should have just MADE coffee.

hates when he opens a neopolitan ice cream sandwich upside down.

is wearing a sweater-vest today because of (500) Days of Summer

is making banana pancakes pretending it's the weekend

is tired of seeing conservative "news" printouts on the sink in the bathroom at work.

embodies the July 24 Dilbert desk calendar page

loves finding the answer to the question, "What stinks in the kitchen?" But hates when it has to be asked.

just realized how violent "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" is.

loves breakfast pie

has recommended that his mother join facebook

is missing Shadow Complex while at work.

will give a gold star to whoever can tell him what Ralph's cat's breath smells like

is starting a thing. Time-wasting web scavenger hunt: How did Hardy Amies say a man should dress? There are three parts to it.

needs someone with whom to see "It Might Get Loud" this weekend.

is a man amongst kings...

wants to be a comedy writer

September

could handle being rich

just liked a lot of things people are doing, but isn't sad that he doesn't like what he's doing

doesn't come to your kitchen and tell you when to bake cookies

is tired of hearing that it smells like toast, even though it does

is having a strange facebook day

is thinking about how boring a conversation with his clone would be.

wishes dentures were socialy acceptible for people younger than 60 (or ideally, 30)

has plans for Halloween (see below)

no longer lives the life of an '80s teen movie, Lisa Dracolakis

is in SillyPuttyManLand

just pickled peppers

will give you a dollar, and won't think it's nothing strange. Andy J. Wang give you a dollar, expect back 95 cents change

is bummed that Kenny Rogers canceled his SF show... again.

loves the shuffle feature's performance today

is bummed he's going to miss Hardly Strictly Bluegrass.

sits all night and never buys

is able to watch ABC Family at 5 today, but it's one of his least favorite episodes. Fate, how dare you?

just wants to eat these Doritos all UP.

would like to be a part of a rich man's experiment to see how money would change him. Why do Richard Pryor/Paul Rodriguez/Eddie Murphy movies not happen for reals?

just put maple syrup on his beet and walnut salad. I think the Iron Chefs could learn a thing or two from him.

October

knows there is a point in the week where the likelihood that that suit will get drycleaned before Saturday's wedding falls to zero. He also knows that point is always on a Thursday

had a weekend. It was goood.

is being sent to stay at Encore in Vegas next weekend for work. It's true, pimpin' ain't easy

has no idea what FarmVille is put many of his friends seem to have mastery of it

would be eating leftover cake right now, if it were socialy acceptable

love the Blue Angels. Absolutely LOVES them.

thinks the inverted collar is the new popped collar.

just bought what will likely become his new favorite funny shirt. Move over, "Missouri loves company"

wonders if there's anybody here it doesn't suck to be. Mabye Jedediah Orlando Levine?

can smell the first raindrops hitting the pavement and loves it despite the inevitable soggy wait for the bus.

has "Field of Dreams" on in the background because it is AWESOME!

just realized that it's only Tuesday

is thinking about soup, garlic bread, mulled wine and "The West Wing."

was just asked how much he weighs... cause the helicopter pilot in Las Vegas needs to know!

is going to the Grand Canyon Monday morning... via HELICOPTER!

is wearing his new favorite shirt today.

is not a terribly patient person today

just got drunk with his family and did a Jack in the Box run.

is in vegas

woke up in vegas at 4:30 this morning, which is the opposite of how beds and 4:30 should go together in that town

has been wondering if changing the phrase "life in prison" to "death in a prison cell," would make it seem like more of a permanent punishment.

wants cereal, but would have to use either tea, questionable buttermilk or chicken stock

loves the fall weather

has pumpkin soup for lunch!

is getting "Hostel II" tomorrow so he can avoid sleep

is pizza

thinks that "cat" does not constitute a costume for a girl. Unless it's one of the cats from "Cats."

is incredibly happy that he put on the thermal before leaving the office. Long sleeves were key

man, i love boobs


November

is not responsible for the content of his previous status update, but does support the idea (especially at the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month).

can't, for the life of him, get "The Word of Your Body" out of his head

is wondering what Maine's problem is

is shocked to see that "Sachin" is a trending topic on Twitter

sometimes looks up in the trees and thinks how terrifying it would be if octopi lived there and could jump down on passersby

will be suiting up for his trip to DC tomorrow.

is looking down on the Rockies right now. For you see, they have no formal education and he is a snob.

is in Kansas

is not in Kansas anymore.

got 3 pieces of mail today at work! That's never happened.

is rocking the winter beard again this year

absolutely hates Tom Swifties.

is wondering if it's OK that he mentally checked out when the dog peed on his desk

is encoding things in base64. It's c3VwZXIgZnVu

has his computer uploading 1,180,000 lines. It's currently at 45,000

did not bring a rain jacket today. And wore the shoes that seep up water. He did not plan this well at all

is bummed that his ESPN feed reads like a crime blotter

knows what will be getting him through the first 18 days of December

is impatient, so indecent

is pissed that the internet doesn't know what he means when he types "amazon.CMO"

kind of wishes he had gone to the state dinner last night

is reading "A Christmas Carol" and can't help but picture the Disney characters (particularly Jacob Marley)

December

forgot his headphones at home today. Now he has to kill everyone in the office.

loves beverages, more and BevMo!

wouldn't take a single rose in trade for a night's shelter from the bitter cold, either. The Beast got hexed for illigitimate reasons.

loves the Ross in Marin County. Rich areas have awesome discount stores

Just bought cufflinks despite having no shirtsleves lacking buttons. It's all for you, Shaiya Hana Rahman

This is a note in a marketing email I just got... "I like simpler text: You talk, we listen (still have person with large ears)" and it's not even the worst idea being tossed around.

has a smiley face in his tea leaves

decorated two christmas trees this weekend

will not be staying late at work anymore. He is over it.

isn't entirely sure exactly HOW Ruff Ryders roll

will continue to work late... way to buy my love, work

appreciates that there are more Panda Express restaurants in the world than there are actual pandas

thinks the Universal Declaration of Human Rights is awesome. Article 24: Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.

has plans tonight with Chuck Klosterman, Valeriano Jaccuzzi and Mr. Spaghetti.

is wondering, for no reason, what ever happened to Ian Ziering?

got a tetanus shot today but first asked, "isn't that just for 5-year-olds or stepping on nails?"

has written a poem: "do I want to just eat tamales tonight for dinner? basically giving in to the easy way out? i think i might"

has hated Joe Lieberman since childhood. ESRB anyone?

thinks cut-up grapefruit looks like tuna tartare or sashimi

knows that the most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see

wrote another poem: just got an email: wellsfargo statement is ready. saw the number thought, "i'm rich." then realized it's a credit card bill

has never been able to shoot a layup.

needs this Wallpaper CD to get through the last hour of the week. What What!

loves hot totties but hates the red ring of death.

will be devoting the rest of 2009 to learning the lyrics to "Truly Madly Deeply" in anticipation of the 90s party